Dating can be extremely stressful, like going to the dentist. The very thought of them causes fear.
Would you like to go on dates with men with the same ease as the heroines of American films? Like Carrie Bradshaw, who has a new romance every episode? Or fat Bridget Jones, who can’t choose between two handsome men?
I really wanted to. I just didn’t believe it was possible.
For me, dating has always been a huge stress, like going to the dentist. The very thought of them caused a fear that clung like a sticky rope to my legs and arms. This fear gradually became a faithful companion and the main admirer of all my endeavors. I kind of wanted to meet the man I liked, but a thousand and one reasons not to go were born in my head every minute.
I was scared. It’s scary to change something. It’s scary to step out of your usual comfort zone into the unknown.
This giant ball of fear sat on my couch, and gently stroked my head:
“Don’t go there. You won’t find anyone anyway. We are so good together, ” he said.
The epiphany came unexpectedly.
On a sunny morning, I sat in front of a male supervisor for an interview and methodically answered his questions. He was sizing me up, smiling and frowning.
I was calm and confident. Several companies have already offered me a position, and I have allowed myself to choose. I liked going to these meetings. Look at the company from the inside, imagine yourself as a part of it. It’s so easy when you have a backup option, when you know that the market is limitless.
That same evening, I met a man. It was a first date. My first date in a very long time. My hands were shaking, my tongue was numb, and my cheeks were red. And it would have been all right, but I really liked the guy. I drew pictures of a beautiful novel in my head, talked nonsense, and behaved like a complete idiot.
As a result, I was invited to work, but not on a second date.
My fear, accumulated over the years, laughed out loud, and before my eyes increased in volume. And I could relax in his beautiful company, cry over the next episode of “sex and the city”, but one thought did not give rest.
“A first date is so much like an interview.”
And what if we turn it not into a matter of life and death, but into natural selection? You evaluate, conduct interviews, try on a man for yourself. No expectations. You’re just meeting a new person that you can run away from at any time. He may not like you, just like you don’t like him. He may call you tomorrow, or he may not call you at all. Very much like an interview, isn’t it?
The idea gripped me like a new hobby.
Someone is studying English, someone is studying history, and I started to study the question of dating. Methodically and carefully, like an archaeologist in Egypt, I discovered more and more of the unknown.
The main revelation was that the fastest way to meet love is online dating.
It’s like a Head Hunter, just for relationships. Maybe looking for a man on the World Wide Web is just as normal as looking for a job? What’s the difference?
I looked around and saw that people stopped coming to the factory after the institute and working there until retirement. People stopped looking for each other on the street and met in a cafe, everything became easier and faster. And that makes it scarier and harder. I studied dating sites and the men who sat on them like strange animals. I treated each new acquaintance or just correspondence as another experience, And suddenly realized that I was no longer afraid. Interest and curiosity overcame fear.
And here’s what I’ll say to myself from the past, sitting on the couch in the arms of a huge fear:

  1. A date is like an interview.
    By comparing a date to an interview, I stopped seeing every man as the one destined by fate. Feelings and emotions seemed to shut down, and the cold mind watched and analyzed. And I became calmer and more positive. And all because I am not only not afraid of interviews, but also get a sincere pleasure from them.
    Find something that you are not afraid of. For example, to perform in public, to sell, to communicate with children, to balance the balance, after all. Let dating be a continuation of these activities for you. In fact, the first meeting with a man is also a presentation of yourself and your product, communication with the child and a balance sheet of your overall emotional debits and credits.
    Conclusion: turn the search for love into an activity that you like and the fear will go away.
  2. If you don’t get asked out, you don’t want to.
    For example, no one offered me a job until I got up from the couch and started looking for it. In newspapers, on the Internet, among friends. I grabbed at any leads because I needed to. Really need to. It’s vital. I wanted a new job.
    But I didn’t want to change my freedom for a relationship. Well, how would I tell my friends that I “dream of love”, “of support”, could serially suffer over a romantic film, but in fact I was sitting in the back of the sink, arranging furniture there, and did not let anyone into my life. Comfortable, cozy and no stress.
    Conclusion: In order to be invited on dates, you need to want and make an effort.
  3. Dishonest men meet.
    And it would be good to understand this on the first date.
    They are very similar to the expired yogurt in the store. If I saw it at the checkout, I put it on the shelf and went on. And if you brought it home, then you look and think: “I’ll eat it, perhaps, it’s not so much overdue.”
    Do not continue the relationship when you see a trace of an engagement ring on your finger or a photo of small children on the screen saver of your mobile phone.
    One day, a very attractive man in a formal suit wrote to me. We got to talking, found topics to talk about, and even shared acquaintances. And suddenly he wrote in all seriousness:
    “I’ll be honest with you, I’m married. I love my family and will never leave it. I need a girl for a permanent relationship. Meetings on my territory, gifts and attention I guarantee, if you agree to this, then we can meet.”
    Conclusion: the main thing is not to give up, and not to hang the brand “goat” on all men in a radius of a mile. In time, you will easily be able to tell the difference between the wheat and the chaff. With experience comes quality.
  4. And Why?
    — And if I’m happy on my own?” – I would have asked myself 5 years ago.
    — And because it will be even better, – I will boldly answer now.
    Dating is a wonderful way to overcome fears that are worth overcoming. An experience that should be behind every girl. Get used to them gradually. Force it if it seems that there is no desire or strength. Allow yourself to be imperfect and do not try to please everyone you meet.
    Take it for granted that you may never see this man again, and it doesn’t matter what impression you made on him. Play different roles, look for yourself, not a man. And you’ll get a lot more than you bargained for. Thanks to my easy approach, I realized what kind of person I was ready to let into my life. With each new acquaintance, successful or not, I discovered myself for myself. It changed from the outside and from the inside. And I really liked these changes.
    The realization that the dating market, like the labor market, is limitless gives rise to self-confidence. And with confidence comes the pleasure of the process.
    Conclusion: Dating colors your life with different colors and fills your life with interesting stories, and you become more attractive and more confident.
  5. In dating, there is not and cannot be a step-by-step guide suitable for everyone.
    The magic pill that will provide the desired result. But only by trying and exploring will you discover yourself and your desires. You may actually decide that you want to be a free bird and a relationship is not for you. Maybe you’ll realize that you’re not ready to be serious yet and want a little flirtation. Or maybe the man of your dreams is already smiling at you from the computer screen.
    Conclusion: Dating is not only an interview, but also a free psychoanalysis session.
  6. Explore the world, but don’t take it too seriously.
    Expanding the horizons of dating, you will stop choosing men who are not suitable for you, even if now you think that this is your curse.
    Initially, discolor for yourself the result that you are waiting for. After all, how often do women fall in love with the first person who pays attention to them. We invent a hero for ourselves, and try on his costume for the nearest male candidate.
    Freedom of choice will allow you not to invent a hero, but to search for him. See the real picture, not the one that draws the imagination. Do not fall in love at first sight, and thus attract, and not scare away men with the inscription on the forehead “I want love, no matter from whom”.
    Conclusion: Too serious attitude to something in this life does not lead to good.
    I finish the article on my work computer and smile at my own memories of finding the man of my dreams.
    “You’re glowing from the inside out today, and you look just like Carrie Bradshaw,” a colleague tells me.
    And it’s true that I have a date tonight, with my husband, of course. Because dating is vital for a woman.
    Never deny yourself this free pleasure.